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Life isn’t a struggle.

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re supposed to be
focusing on something else entirely, but your head is simply in the
clouds? This is where mine is today. In school, I’m learning about how
to read better, not necessarily write. Though, I just can’t refrain
from writing currently. I’m far too excited, and the epiphanies which
lead here are most desirable for me to write down.
Life is not a struggle. This idea which I’ve been playing with for
years has finally resonated within my system. I constantly wondered
how people could be successful and happy, despite common life
pitfalls. I think that I now know the answer… Life just isn’t a
struggle. When you let life flow, you don’t really think about how
difficult tasks are. You’re simply too busy accomplishing them.
After looking back on past blogs, I find it amazing how I use to focus
on the negative with every atom inside my body. I put so much effort
into being miserable, that I didn’t allow myself to be happy. I had
every circumstance within my favor to be the happiest person I
possibly could be. I have the blessing of not being ignorant. By that
I mean; I’m perfectly aware of my flaws, the flaws of the world, and
how to deal with people around me. I’m aware, though, putting it into
action is a much different process. I feel that I’m completely
selfish, because I have knowledge. There are many who simply don’t
know how to deal with life, or to handle situations. I know how to
deal, yet I don’t put my thoughts into action.
Fear is as much an addiction as any. I’ve been aware for quite a while
that I thrive on fear. Without it, I don’t know if I’d know how to
deal with life. I’d have to relearn everything I’ve ever learnt. I’d
have to go back to a child-like state. My mind resists the idea of a
completely easy life. It contradicts everything I’ve ever learned
about… However, it is a natural state of being. Life has little
hiccups, of course, but we’re not meant to be in flight-or-fight every
second of every day. It’s amazing how much effort I put into resisting
my natural state of being. I become completely miserable and it’s of
my own doing.
Life is, as the river. Continually flowing in many directions, and
always flowing to a bigger ocean. The river knows no real limitations;
if there is an opening, it will flow into it. The river can never go
off course. There is no course to follow, it simply flows. The pattern
is not predestined. It can be changed by a wisp in the wind, or it can
freeze when winter comes along. Either way, it adapts to the
environment that it’s placed in. It doesn’t often rage; it just flows
with whatever way it’s taken. If it is violent, it’s not intentionally
and is usually only perceived as violent through seers on the outside.
All life is, is energy. We are all part of one energy; source which is
encompassed of love and life. The energy is pure. What we put out
always comes back in some form. I still think that children are the
easiest people to understand this. In many ways, children have the
wisdom which we all desire to have. As a child, you don’t know
limitations. As a source of energy, we don’t need limitations. It’s as
human beings that we enforce limitations. These are thoughts that I
previously have thought of many times, but now truly understand.
When I make a “mistake”, I don’t need to damn myself. When I come to a
conclusion that is different than another, or from what I’ve been
taught, I can relax. There is nothing wrong with having an open mind.
All things come with time. There is no need to worry, for as long as
I’m alive my life is perfect. When life changes; it’s an opportunity
to grow. I can accomplish my goals. It’s simply who I’m supposed to
be, and what my life is supposed to be like. The constant progression
is natural. The only thing to be feared is fear itself, for fear is
just an illusion of the mind.
Life is not a struggle. It’s a present to be unwrapped.

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Feeling kind of down…

I realize it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. There has been good reason, though I promise you! I got a concussion, which has meant that I haven’t been able to work.. and it has me down. I really want to be able to just do my record production, become a famous singer and have life’s worries wash away. It looks like I have a learning curb to overcome first, and it makes me slightly sad. Government paperwork is so annoying to fill out, but without them we’re not even sure how we’re going to be paying our bills, never mind for my amazing music career. Life is a bunch of unsurity, and I’m still trying to be grateful for what’s handed to me. Somehow this will work itself out. I’ll admit it’s been nice to have a break from such a mundane, stressful job.. and it’s really given me the chance to put my life into perspective. It’s also gotten me to start a youtube channel where I rant and rave, because I can barely read with this concussion. It’s been interesting because I am most certainly better with written word than spoken.

On the bright side of life, it’s almost Christmas! We’ll be spending it with my partners amazing, inspiring family. It’ll give us a chance to be away from our cat who’s in heat as well. I’m planning on posting a cover, which I haven’t done in a while. It makes me happy. Maybe I’ll pick up my guitar tonight. If I’m meant to be an artist, something will happen. I have faith. I’ve worked too hard to simply give up now.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

-Kotarah

Love Stories.

I put my hands up and surrender! I am the biggest sucker for a good love story. I’m really supposed to be putting out an application for an awesome job for Ryan and I to have.. and I’ve spend the past couple of hours reading love stories from old friends, flipping through blogs. Ahhh I’m the biggest sap!

As I side note, I am currently writing a love song as well. It’s about as raw as I get, except for the song I’m writing after that.

Anyway! Love. Who doesn’t like a good love story? It’s probably especially prominent because I am so.. so.. ridiculously, wonderfully in love. It’s silly. I AM one of those girls who used to drive me insane with how giddy I get over Ryan. Every day feels like Christmas, and he is the ultimate present. He really is my gift and my treasure. However, our love story shall never be posted anywhere.. that much I can promise. At least not written under these finger prints. There are pictures of us though. Cute ones. They’re all on my personal facebook page. I could definitely gush about that man forever.

You see? The feeling of love is addicting. I love reading about the cute things that people’s partners do for them, seeing awesome engagement photos (speaking of which, I really want some new ones done.. especially since our anniversary is coming up! Eek!) wedding photos and stories, etc.

However, I will never submit to liking chick flicks. There is a line between reality and fantasy and I like reading about real love stories! Also, most love songs drive me crazy. Actually I think it’s just typical, rhetorical lyrics that just rub me in the wrong way in general.

This is me now, reminiscing and thankful for such an amazing love. Now, maybe I’ll attempt to get back to work?

Kotarah

I have a secret. I can almost promise that you have one too. I have a story.. and well, I think you get it. Secrets run deeper than we mean them too, even running into secrets which are no longer known even to us. To remain in a state of consciousness where one knows themselves that fully.. Hmm.. I, personally have too busy of a life for that.

Life is a story. Love is a dream. Challenges are brutal. Yet, somehow it’s all connected. This intense circus of life, which is cold and cruel, yet so beautiful and lovely. How can such a contradictory thing end up being so beautiful? How can such a thing even exist? How come my brain never seems to stop running?

Howevever, it doesn’t. My head is always spinning with some idea, some song lyric or character idea, some thoughtful smile of something my love has done, or banging my head trying to get to sleep.. there’s always something there. This is where blogs are useful. Organizing and sorting through thoughts, hearing others input, or simply being lazy for not being able to keep in touch with people when you’re too busy.

You could say life is interesting. I honestly feel like I’m at the very beginning of everything. Life has been nothing but discovery lately, and I’ve been enjoying every second! Although.. it can be slightly frustrating at times because it’s harder for people to relate. After my love and I moved here, life became insane, in the very best of ways. We moved here without a penny to our name (literally.. so poor). Never before had I had to worry about where my next meal was going to come from, and all of a sudden I did. Without Ryan, I wouldn’t have gotten through anything. Having a companion, a love and a partner is so important and SO relevant to everything that’s happened. It took us a while to find jobs, but the universe always comes through with providing what you need when you need it, and such has been the way with us. I now have a piano which I didn’t have to pay a penny for, a record deal, and a plan for life. Ryan is finding the same.

Mostly importantly, I’ve been getting over stuff. Things which I haven’t been able to figure out for years are finally evaporating.. into a state where I am starting to feel real happiness. I kind of have a perma-smile these days and I’m very happy about it. Life has been hard, so hard. Some of it was brought upon myself, others were definitely influenced by external forces. All in all, it wasn’t any easier to get over.

I don’t know how to handle negativity anymore, because it simply doesn’t exist. There are good days, and there are bad, but the good definitely outdo the bad. Especially after everything which has happened to me, everything which has happened to us. I feel like it’s finally our time to shine. In every way he is my match, he is my love.

He helped me to get over the past men in my life. The sick, twisted, mind-game playing, barely human men who have existed basically my whole life. For the women who are reading this, sometimes one of the most important things you can learn is that there ARE good men out there. They deserve far more credit than we give them. For in my hands, and in my heart, I’m thankful to have one of those men.

Sometimes things just click. That’s how I’ve been able to get over things lately. I’ve realized why certain patterns have persisted, why others haven’t, and that I don’t want it there anymore. After a while negativity can become like a drug and you need your injection. You need to create something in order to keep your adrenhaline going, to keep the rush going to your head. It’s hard to think that there are other feelings which feel not only this good, but better! Things like singing, dancing, loving, and living. It’s hard when there’s so much negativity influencing everything in life. Little does the media know, this world is full of more good than we could possibly know.

In dealing with negative, you harm yourself. You truly do. In forcing other people to believe as you do, you also harm yourself because you’re letting your ego get in the way. In juding another person, you harm yourself because you’re making yourself out to be better than you really are. We’re not perfect. I know this, you know this.. so let’s stop pretending like we have to be. This is the biggest thing I’ve learned lately. Just be, be happy, let life flow… it gets better than you could possibly imagine! Love yourself, be comfortable in your skin, for at the end of the day that’s all that really matters. You can’t please everyone, and through loving yourself others will look up to you. You’ll be able to be more true as a friend, more loving as a lover, whatever you want to be, really. There are no limitations when you realize that you are completely perfect the way you are.

These thoughts, and many others are the ones I want to share with the world. In my decision to become a musician I’ve realized that I quite possibly could have the potential to really affect people. With power comes great responsiblity. On the other hand, I could record my CD and never be heard of again, but if I don’t try I will never know. I would love to share messages with the world. I’d like to write music that changes lives, and soothes hearts. I’d like to create a relationship through my music with many people. This blog is going to be used to write my thoughts of my journey, give vague descriptions of the meanings behind the songs I’m writing at the time, etc. That’s the cool part about a blog is that it’s whatever you want it to be. So, this is me. Perhaps I’ll find secrets, and hopefully I’ll learn things I never thought possible through this journey.

Peace to you,

Kotarah